I journaled and took notes all throughout my pregnancy with Liam and I've published the last week's notes - so if you want to find out what was happening leading up to the big day, check those out here!
Laboring at Home
With all that was happening Friday evening, contraction wise, I was pretty sure I would wake up in the middle of the night at some point with more active contractions. The Lord had mercy on us and we made it until 4:30 am when I had a pretty decent, painful contraction. Jonathan woke up with me and we stayed in bed and timed the contractions. They were 10 minutes apart and 40-60 seconds. He held me for about an hour until we were sure this was happening, and a little before 6:00 we decided we would get up and eat breakfast. I made cinnamon rolls, mom made tea (because of course she heard us get up and bolted out of bed), and Jonathan turned on my "Labor of Love" playlist while we tracked the contractions. I ate a couple of sweet rolls (yes, more than one) and kept downing fluids because I wasn't sure when I wouldn't be able to eat anymore.
My Kitchen - 6:15am
Heading to the Hospital
I managed the contractions hanging out at home pretty well, but I had to go to the bathroom a million times and felt a lot of rectal pressure which kind of freaked me out. By about 10:30, my contractions were an average of 8-9 minutes apart and were what I assessed to be a 3/4 on the pain scale. But with all my bathroom trips and some blood showing up in my mucus after contractions, I thought we'd go ahead and call Dr. H. Jonathan called my doctor and he advised us to go on to the hospital. We were hungry again because it was about 11:00 am by then (I took the time to shower and change clothes), so Jonathan offered to go by Panera on our way to the hospital. My mom would have none of it :). So instead, Jonathan took his time getting to the hospital because he knew that I wanted to wait as long as possible before being admitted. We arrived at the hospital, parked the car, and headed in. I felt so awkward checking in because I was kind of like, um, I'm here to have a baby, but I know I didn't look like I was in active labor. We were sent to triage where they hooked me up to a monitor and checked my progress. I felt panicky. I don't know what it was, but having to put on a hospital gown and lay on a table hooked up to the monitors freaked me out. I wasn't ready for this! The resident who checked me said I was 4 centimeters and because my contractions were more than 5 minutes apart, they weren't going to admit me. I was grumped at the resident when she said something like, maybe I would go into labor sometime this week. I was like, this week? How about today! But she called my doctor to relay the information and he gave me three options - 1. go home and come back when my contractions are 5 minutes apart for an hour, 2. Walk around the hospital for a couple of hours and be admitted - but realize I couldn't leave once admitted. 3. Be admitted and start Pitocin.
Jonathan and I decided we would "go home" and see what happened. Really, we weren't going to go home, but just walk around nearby and see what happened. We called my sisters who were on their way to meet us at the hospital (they were staying at my Aunt's house in northern virginia1) and told them to meet us at Golden West (the nurse advised me to go home and eat, since once I was admitted I wouldnt be able to eat anything). So, we went to Golden West for brunch.
Golden West - 11:33pm
I had a contraction right when I was supposed to be placing my order. (Mary snapped this quick shot of me at the beginning of our meal). I said it as quickly and with as much composure as I could. But it was kind of funny - me clearly being in labor and trying to have a meal at a restaurant. I ordered the farm plate, as usual, but my contractions kept coming and the restaurant kept filling up - so I had to get up from the table a couple of times and leave the restaurant to walk the sidewalk to get through the contraction. Jonathan followed me out - I think he knew it was getting tougher. But, they still weren't consistently 5 minutes apart. So, we decided to go to the mall and walk around until my contractions got closer together. I waited till one passed before getting in the car and heading to the mall.
Towson Mall - 1:04pm
We walked three laps around the Towson mall, and then walked around Barnes and Noble - probably from about 12:30 to 2:00. In B&N things got much more difficult - trying not to make a scene in the store. I remember walking straight towards the back and when the pregnancy section heading caught my eye, I made a hard turn away from it! It was getting pretty obvious that it was time to leave, as it was getting a lot harder to maintain composure (and I certainly didn't want any innocent B&N customers to be scarred for life). We walked back through the parking deck and I had to walk past the car because I was in the middle of a contraction - and then I started to cry. I think I just felt overwhelmed... Some women were getting out of their car and said " bless you" or something because they could tell I was in labor. Jonathan was right next to me the whole time. He set me in the car, called my doctor and we went back to the hospital.
The car ride to the hospital was really challenging. We turned on my music and I had to roll down the windows to manage the pain. Dad timed the contractions from the back seat. They weren't consistently anything - but some were really close together. We pulled up to the door at the hospital, Jonathan got me out of the car, and I sobbed through the next contraction - I had lost it. He reminded me to keep breathing and pull it together. I was still crying getting admitted, but fortunately they had my papers waiting and I didn't have to do anything except get a bracelet. The same women who had seen me earlier had sympathetic looks on their faces (there was no question about me being in labor now). I had another contraction in the hallway, and mom told me I had to get a focal point (the red fire alarm bell worked great) and she breathed through the Lamaze breathing with me. I had lost my four count yoga breath in sobs, so it was on to something else. This really helped me recenter and regain my composure.
I didn't have to go through triage again, but I did have to be weighed before going to my room. I remember the nurse, Kelly, asking me questions and me not being able to answer. She asked about a birth plan, and I told her to talk to Jonathan (we had written one out together, but I didn't get the chance to print it off). At about 2:30, we got back to the room (which was huge and beautifully furnished) and she started to tell me about laboring clothes. That I could labor in my clothes or put on a gown, etc. I told her I had a gown in the car, but the conversation got really confusing when she asked about IV access. I was like, it's a halter, I don't think IV access is an issue - but then I had more contractions coming on and I felt like I needed to get out of my sweatshirt and pants before things got more serious. So, I put on the ugly hospital gown because my "pretty pusher" gown was in the car and might as well have been on the other side of the world at that point.2
The gown I never wore
The nurse told me I had to get in the bed in order for her to put on the fetal heart rate monitor and get an IV port in. I was reluctant to do it, but since she said I had to… I did. Once in bed, it was pretty tricky to manage the contractions. Mom reminded me to pick a focal point and I kept with the lamaze breathing. My focal point was this black knob on the ring of the lights in the ceiling, which meant I was staring up at the ceiling during contractions. Shortly after they got the monitors on and the IV in - the resident who had checked me earlier came back in to check my progress again. She was counting up and I heard her say "8 centimeters, no, I'll be conservative, 7" (I was thinking - really? After you thought I'd go into labor "sometime this week," you couldn't round up?). I gave a fist pump because I was excited about how far along I was. I don't think it set in that I would be embarking on "transition" - the stage of labor I feared the most. The contractions kept coming, and I kept using my black knob focal point, and it seemed to be going ok. My pain level was what I called an 8/9 - really bad, but I hadn't lost it. Somewhere in there we quickly discussed the epidural situation - I reiterated that I wanted to see how things went, they said I needed to give them 30 minutes notice, which I now understand was like a "now or never" comment. I think my doctor came in at some point, and I remember him looking up at the ceiling to see what I was looking at, because he came in in the middle of a contraction. I waved at him, but didn't take my eyes off. I think I was still "Ok" at this point. This must have been the time when everyone had the deciding conversation. The nurse that had come in to manage my labor (pretty sure she was sent straight from heaven) said, "You are calm, you're doing great, I think you've got this. You can do this. You don't need an epidural." So, I was like, Ok - you've seen a bunch of deliveries, your opinion must be one worth listening to! (That is, I thought those things, but I wasn't really contributing much verbally at that point). The anesthesiologist came by to introduce himself and I still thought, ok we'll give this a try, but I'll know if it's going badly.
Sanai Hospital - 3:19pm
Well - About a minute later, it went.
I flipped to hands and knees as a killer contraction came on. I could NOT stand to be sitting leaning on my back. But I quickly realized that holding myself up with my arms wasn't going to be helpful. So, the nurse (she was amazing) said, try leaning on the back of the bed. That was a bit better, but I really couldn't let the bed support me. Things were going south. Mom yelled in my ear to get a focal point, which I did (a plastic screw on the back of the hospital bed rail) - and she then stuck her finger in front of my face to try and help. LoL, I think I smacked it away3 because I'd already picked one as I yelled out "HEE HEE HEE WHOOO." When I was sitting in the bed the moments before, I remembered my yoga instructor talking about how we are afraid to vocalize and that vocalizing can really help manage pain in labor. So, I decided, let's vocalize! Thus my lamaze breathing turned into me yelling "HEE HEE HEE WHOOO." I think I was on the back of the bed not very long before I was super uncomfortable there too. I remember Jonathan asking me about the epidural when I was leaning on the back of the bed, and although it was really difficult and painful, we decided it was ok to move forward. I'm not really sure what I was thinking :), but I think I didn't realize that it would become even more challenging than it was at that moment.
Dr. H came in sometime after that and checked my progress and broke my water. I might have been at 8 or 8.5 centimeters. I think he knew that now that things "weren't ok" and I needed to get this done as quickly as possible. After he broke my water, I got out of bed again and was standing and laboring, leaning on the side rail of the hospital bed. I was there for a while. I had a crazy big contraction and a ton of fluid poured out of me. I thought I was peeing because it felt like I was peeing, so distressed, I said "Why am I peeing all over the floor?" and the nurse said, You're not peeing, that's your water. Which, kind of blew my mind, because my doctor had already broke my water.4 Every contraction after that, I had more water and blood come out, all over the hospital room floor. I was just yelling at that point - forget Lamaze breathing. I didn't use any bad language though - for which I was pleasantly surprised :). I said a lot of "Ok. alright, oh boy, here we go, Lord help me, Oh Lord. Jesus help me. OW!" I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, but Mary (who was in the room photographing) said that I wasn't _that_ loud. I don't remember how many times Dr. H checked me, but that was the worst. Having to lay down5, be still, have a contraction, and have a doctor put his hand up you was torture. I think he only did it three times - when he broke my water, at 9.5 and then maybe before they told me to push.
I forget but they tried to get me back in bed again at some point, and that didn't work at all. When I went to get back up again, I threw up. I had about .5 second notice, which was enough for me to aim down my hospital gown. Gross. And then I threw up some more. A lot more. No nausea, just vomiting. They handed me three emesis dishes, which I promptly filled, before my mom said, don't you have something bigger? I think that whole scenario lasted, 30 seconds. It was crazy.6 After vomiting, I think I had some more crazy contractions which made me bolt out of bed, leaving everyone around me to some how clean up the vomit, get my old gown off and somehow get a new gown on, do something with the sheets - all while I was more or less writhing in pain at the side of the bed (standing).7 I was pretty much completely naked. My mom was worried about this because she insisted that I have a sheet over me as I leaned over the bed to cover my backend. I couldn't have cared less. This is when they started to ask me if I felt the urge to push. The urge wasn't consistent, but I started to try it out during contractions, just squatting down a bit more and moving around a bunch as I leaned on the bed. Thankfully the nurse raised up the bed some so I wasn't leaning over so far. I forget, but at one point, I had a little break between contractions. So instead of the 10 seconds between finishing and starting, it was a couple of minutes and I got to catch my breath hanging over the side of the bed. The birth class we went to said that there is often 20-30 minutes between transition and pushing where your body rests. I think I may have gotten a couple of 5 minute breaks. And that was it. But I think that all happened before the push conversation. Apparently, Mom was pretty worried about me knowing when to push because she herself never felt the urge to push when she was in labor. So she was talking to the nurses and Dr. H, wanting me to start pushing, I suppose. Everyone responded with "she'll let us know when she's ready." Mom was not satisfied with their answer, so she then leaned over the bed where I was probably in the middle of a contraction, and asked me something about pushing. I couldn't think of an answer to what she asked me and I stopped her midsentence with a "Shut up!" She did.
It wasn't too long before my Dr. came back in and they said I had to get back in bed and start pushing. I was freaked out. I didn't want to get back in bed for starters, but knew I had to - and I was like, I don't know how to push! I don't know what to do! And they all said, we'll teach you. I was hollering in the middle of a contraction when Dr H said, "Esther!" and I said "Yes Sir?" and he gave me some directions for what pushing would be like - they would lift my feet up, I could grab the back of my legs and I would push. I still had no idea what that meant. He was like, No, Esther, breathing out won't work. You have to hold your breath. This took me several times to figure out. But almost as soon as I started pushing, Mom and others started saying "oh we can see his head! He's almost here! He has hair!" and I thought, What does "almost" mean? Like, a couple more pushes? So I kept pushing at the contractions (or trying to), and I guess I asked about what does "almost" mean because the nurse asked if I wanted a mirror. I was like, uh. and they brought it out so I could see what was happening. This was sooo key. Instead of closing my eyes and pushing, I could see his head. This "almost here" went on for an hour.8 Dr. H helped me not tear, but would sometimes just sit on his stool at the end of the bed and look. I figured he knew what he was doing, so I would just keep going and he would step in when he needed to. I know I got frustrated at some point, because I looked at Jonathan and said "I just want him here, I just want him out." and Dr. H said something about vacuum-assisted delivery. I was like Oh no, I don't want that. I'll do it. So, that's when I went into gear. When a contraction happened, I tried as hard as I could to get him out. And then asked if I could push between contractions. He assured me that there was no point in doing that. So I pushed like crazy when I could. At one point he said "easy" and I didn't really get what he was saying, because I was just trying to get my baby here and then there was a collective "Ohh." among those watching (Jonathan, Mom, Mary, nurses) as I tore a bit. Ooops. I stopped pushing. Good news was, Dr. H had given me local anesthetic (with a needle that was probably 14 inches long), so I didn't have any local pain - "just" the contractions. I knew we were getting close - only a couple of pushes away - and then Dr. H got a call on his cell phone. I had another contraction and I thought, well, he'll come over here if Liam is about to come out, I'm going to keep pushing.9 Dr. H did come back over and I think Liam was born at the next contraction (at 5:40pm). It felt like he tumbled out, once his head came through, and what was weird was that I could feel the tug of the umbilical cord as it came out a bit further. Dr. H suctioned him and gave him a little shake before he started breathing/crying. I don't know how long it was before he cried (it wasn't right away), but I wasn't worried in the moment. They clamped the cord and Dr. H handed scissors to Jonathan to cut it, and they plopped Liam on my chest. I remember thinking that his head wasn't as floppy as I thought it'd be. And I thought he would open his eyes, but he was very reluctant to. It was wonderful to have him with us. Jonathan was teary seeing him. It was really amazing meeting him - on the one hand it was like I knew him from him being inside for so long - but I was in fact seeing him for the very first time.
5:43 pm
5:44 pm
I held him and attempted to nurse some (without much success) before Jonathan got to take him to get printed and weighed. While I was holding him, Dr. H delivered the placenta and they gave me Pitocin to stop my bleeding.10 Once Dr. H was finished patching me up and I was tucked in bed, my family was able to come in and meet Liam and hold him. There were lots of pictures Mary got of everyone meeting him for the first time, including some of my doctor with his 3,000+ baby. We were waiting for our room to get ready and for Liam to get bathed, Vitamin K, etc. in the nursery for a while and there was a shift change. My so helpful and positive nurse told us goodbye - we found out then that she was expecting herself and was NOT planning on delivering without medication. lol. The next nurse that came in wasn't quite as cheery (although her name was Anne with an e). When she was about to take Liam to the nursery, Mary asked if she could get a quick photo of him in his basinet. She said, Is 2000 pictures not enough? I said (from the bed), No, we need 2000 and 1.
9:16 pm - "Photo #2001"
Next Chapter: "Recovery"
1. Note from Mary: The sisters were called to jump in the car at around noon on Friday....even though Esther wasn’t in “active” labor....we were all banking on the word of the doc....who said “this baby is coming this weekend” (He was very right!)
2. Mary: mute point, but turns out your bag was actually in the room the whole time....we just thought it was jonathans and so didn’t open it...interesting ;)
3. Mary: and threw the pillow onto the floor ;)
4. I must confess - I had a friend whose sister had a baby a few months before I did. This sister called my friend and said that she was peeing uncontrollably and wasn't sure if she was in labor or not. I sort of laughed and thought, Come on, that's your water breaking and of course you're in labor - can't you tell you're having contractions? I even retold this story thinking, how ridiculous that someone wouldn't know their water was breaking. Seems I shouldn't have been so judgmental :).
5. Mary: you were out of the bed at this point, and he couldn’t check you easily...so you just leaned on the side of the bed.
6. They say that in labor you're not worried about anyone else in the room, or you don't care. Which, I found to be mostly true - but at this particular point, I was worried about Mary who is deathly afraid of throw up. I was sure that she was panicking and wishing she could escape, but my hospital bed was between her and the door. Fortunately, she assured me that she was not freaked out and was able to look out the window during the chaos.
7. The nurse (from heaven) had to stand next to me the whole time, holding the heart rate monitor onto my stomach, since the straps weren't holding it tight enough with me moving and standing and all. I think the contraction monitor was pretty much a wash - but, don't worry, I let everyone know when I was having a contraction :).
8. Mary: literally have this tracked via texting to cor/dad/anne 4:40- 5:40.
9. Mary: the cell call happened before he said “easy”...the part when he said “easy” was literally the contraction prior to Liam coming out.
10. I had sort of forgotten once Liam was delivered that there was still more to do. Fortunately, it didn't really take any active effort on my part. Dr. H. just mashed on my stomach (which hurt really badly) and took care of the rest. I felt bad for hollering while I was holding Liam, but I suppose he didn't mind!
