North Carolina again!

Now that the dust has settled (literally and figuratively) after our move, I wanted to take some time out of my cleaning and organizing to write - we have moved!
I am fighting with my detailed sequential self and suppressing the urge to document the long saga that has been transitioning out of Baltimore and on to somewhere else, because the reason I started to write this post is because a phone call with a friend pulled me out of my grumpy disposition this morning (I'm having a bad hair quarter, my clothes are shabby, it's rainy outside, my house is a mess) and cheered me by allowing me to talk about all of the wonderful things I've been blessed with in this move. So let me make a thankful list - and I'll leave out all the nitty gritty on how we got from point A to point B.

1. I have a fenced-in backyard.
   Oh my goodness - this is life-changing. I don't know if I can express the difference from living in a 12' wide house, where when either front or back door is opened, there is likely to be a person, a dog, a stroller or all of the above within 5 feet of the doorway - to lots of green grass and a lot more buffer between us and anything else.

Case in point: in the above photo, Liam and I are standing on the street at our mailbox and calling for Penelope to come join us for a walk (she had a little panic thinking she was going to have to get in the car and decided she would rather go back inside... so she needed a little convincing to come along).

This was Penelope and me on the front steps of our house in Baltimore. Mary was taking the picture from the street in front of our house.
2. I have a laundry ROOM...
   

...not a closet (as shown above) for my washer/dryer.
3. There is a Caribou Coffee walking distance from my house.
   The first thing I said I would miss about Baltimore is not being able to walk places. Baltimore was so walkable for a lot of things! I loved that. But I never anticipated being able to walk places in Charlotte - and not only that, to my favorite places!
4. I have a driveway.
   If you've ever had to park on the street, you know how awesome this is. I can unload my groceries at my leisure, I am guaranteed to only have to walk a maximum of the few feet from my car door to my house door every time I come home.
5. I live less than 3 hours from a lot of people I care about.
Our families being the most obvious (2.5 hours away in Cary), but also some very close friends are a day trip away, and some friends are just a few minutes away! We left behind some very dear friends in Baltimore, but I'm banking on a lot of them moving south before too long. And I've been completely blown away by the people we've found here - college friends, neighbors from when I was a little kid, my best friend from middle school, a friend from Baltimore, friends from Durham (who played the piano in our wedding)... I mean, really? How is it that all these amazing people are in the same place? And like I said, if they're not in Charlotte, they are oh-so close by! [Note: If you are one of our dear ones scattered across other states, we still miss you :)]
6. I live 5 minutes from a Trader Joe's.
And this one has wine, too! :)
7. I don't have any stairs.
Which makes everything easier. I figure the trade off between being able to go for walks more easily means I might not gain weight from this change, but still - I love how easily it is to maneuver things and people and dogs in a house without stairs.

Breastfeeding Sucks

Turns out, it's public breastfeeding day or worldwide breastfeeding week, or something along those lines - so I thought that I would post about my experience being a mom and breastfeeding. And I read a really hilarious (but true) blog post on breastfeeding last night, so I got inspired to share my story.

Unfortunately, the people I talked to about breastfeeding before I delivered all said, "well, I never had any problems..." The comment was never a boast, but more a justification for why that mom breastfed at all or breastfed as long as she did. I got the sentiment beforehand that you would just never know until you tried whether it would work or not. And it was as simple as that - either you could breastfeed successfully or there would be some insurmountable physiological impediment that would prevent you from being able to breastfeed, and then it would be ok if you didn't.

Well. Let's just say I learned about (almost) all the space between "successful breastfeeding" and "insurmountable impediments."

Lesson #1: All nipples are not created equally.

From my breastfeeding class, I gathered that I had nipples and that they weren't inverted. But it wasn't until I tried to breastfeed minutes after delivering that I was introduced to the idea of short nipples. Apparently, size matters. [TMI, you say? You're reading a commentary on a personal experience of breastfeeding. Nuf said.]

Tip: Using a breast pump and also a nipple shield can help compensate by basically sucking your nipples into shape. Feels just about like it sounds.

Lesson #2: Pain. Lots of pain.

When people talked about breastfeeding being painful, I think I was under the impression that it would hurt like doing anything hard hurts. Labor was painful, but (by the grace of God) I hung on and survived. Running a race is painful, but you just endure to get to the finish. This was a whole nother category of painful. It wasn't like someone pinching you, it was constant, continual, recurring pain. I ended up with a cracked nipple on one side that started at about day 4 and didn't fully heal until 10 weeks (when Liam started going every 4 hours and I was able to give that side a break every other feeding). I also pulled something out of place in my back while trying to nurse in the hospital, which meant that every time I tried to feed Liam the right side, my left shoulder blade felt like it was on fire. Thankfully at 3 weeks I was able to see a doctor who helped correct that problem. The pain did get more manageable as time went on, but even after a month under my belt I found that I was biting my cheek every time Liam would latch on. Yikes.

Tip: Take Ibuprofen. Sometimes I would have throbbing pain after nursing and keeping pain killers going helped take the edge off. Get creative - I changed positions, tried to focus on getting a deeper latch, started on different sides, gave a side a break, pumped before nursing, pumped after nursing, used lanolin, didn't use lanolin. The more variations I could try the better. Sometimes they helped and sometimes it just made me feel better to try something else.

Lesson #3: Breastfeeding is an emotional experience.

Now, I'm not talking about the bonding and warm fuzzies. I'm talking about take you to the end of yourself kind of emotional exhaustion. I am SO thankful for my incredible husband who could have been a lactation consultant/football coach/yoga instructor during these intense nursing sessions. Jonathan knew just when to stick an extra pillow under the nursing pillow I was using (yes, I needed propping of pillows on all sides - one behind me, my magic nursing pillow, and sometimes an additional pillow to make it all be just right). He could tell me to try a different hold or to take a deep breath, be patient, and that the 9th time was the charm to get Liam to latch on. I'm also so thankful for my mom who could've easily said, "Now, this is just too hard Esther. Why don't you just give him a bottle?" - but instead laughed with me (she was the one who said "breastfeeding sucks, doesn't it?") and got all "awww" when things were going right. It made me feel good about what I was doing, that it was worth the effort.

Tip: I cannot say enough how important emotional support was for me. Surround yourself with positive voices! Be sure you and your husband are on the same page about plans for breastfeeding! May the Lord bless those lactation consultants, doctors, and friends who said, "You're doing a great job! Way to go!" Those words made all the difference.

Lesson #4: I am who I am - even while breastfeeding.

I could see a lot of my personality come out through the breastfeeding process - especially how ritualistic, OCD, and goal oriented I am. Every three hours (at least), I would gear up for my next performance. To begin with, I would have Jonathan change Liam's diaper so I could get my game face on - I would go to my orange chair, put my back pillow in place, get my nursing pillow on, have a burp cloth on hand, queue up the iBreastfeed app to time the feeding, and wait for Jonathan to bring me the baby. It took a lot for me to prepare (mentally and physically) to perform. And darn it, if I'm not so goal and achievement oriented. It's just like running cross country in high school. I wasn't naturally a gifted runner - but I would gear up, go through my ritual, and then run through hell to get to the finish line. I know some people who can breastfeed just about anywhere under any circumstance - no big deal. Just like those girls who could run the first .25 mile off campus, skip the rest of practice, and then kill it on race day. But, I am NOT one of those people :).

Tip: Acknowledge who you are and what is important to you. I was so encouraged by some verses (see below) I read early on that I knew it was good and right for me to persevere through these challenging circumstances. I had grace to do it.

And boy am I glad I did.

It's been a huge blessing to take care of Liam in this way. I know that this season is a short one, and I am so glad to be able to do this for him. To me, it's an act of service. One day before nursing when Liam was getting agitated before eating, I was telling Liam that I would take care of him and that I would provide for him. The thought struck me - I am not the provider - I am the provision. Thank the Lord that He is the provider and I am so thankful to be the provision!

So I guess my thoughts now, after 5+ months of breastfeeding, are this - I am so glad that I was able to get to enjoy the satisfaction of nursing after going through a lot of pain and misery. The message I needed to hear was that It's ok to do something hard - because it will be worth it.

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Some verses that contain beautiful imagery of how Jerusalem will be like a nursing mother, and how the Lord is to us as a mother who comforts and consols her child at her breast:

"For you will nurse from her satisfying breasts and be nourished;
you will feed with joy from her milk-filled breasts.
For this is what the Lord says:
“Look, I am ready to extend to her prosperity that will flow like a river,
the riches of nations will flow into her like a stream that floods its banks.
You will nurse from her breast and be carried at her side;
you will play on her knees.
As a mother consoles a child,
so I will console you,
and you will be consoled over Jerusalem.” (Isaiah 66:11-13 NET)